Well here I am again addin to the pages of my life an such. I see that my gal Thelma done told y'all about her fling with the "emperor". I'ma tellin ya, My Thelma is one relaxed woman! YEE HA! an a side "o squeaky bed springs! Squeak Squeak Squeak! Thelma's a bringin home the bacon and fryin it in tha pan! Lord the woman sizzles-thats for true! I'm happy for my friend. Seems ta me she been lonely for a while. This has calmed her down a bit. Taken some a the edge off. She's a changed woman. That don't mean shes gonna be doin yoga anytime soon. No Sir! ..more like tha Karma sutra if ya ken me!

Now Mama H has gone an gotten herself hitched. Boy howdy! The fella is so dang wrinkled and droopy, y'all could make a suit case with his skin... or a duffle bag. Don't quite know what Mama H sees in him, cept that he drives and has an unlimited prescription for them little blue pills! Y'all should hear Mama H! When she aint in tha bedroom, she's singin "Near my god ta thee" and tha "Hokey Pokey" at tha top a her lungs scarin away all tha neighborhood cats and whatnot. And trust me, ya don't want ta know what all she's screamin from the bedroom! Thats for damn true! Sounds like shes playin twister, bingo, an naughty school girl all at oncet! So I got my girl Thelma bunkin over at my place for tha time being. Least till one a them expires from heart failure or exhaustion.

Now me? I aint tha type a gal that likes them long term commitments. Theres just too much a me for any one fella! Unless of course Bobby Blake came a courtin! Yee ha! Wouldn't that put tha bounce in my bosoms!! Whoop! Whoop! Turbulance on tha enterprise! Captain! We're burnin up! Starship Louise is shootin out a orbit! Wouldn't that be somethin? But unless that day should ever come I'ma happy teachin my classes an workin tha pole in Vegas! And of course, huntin down the dumbasses.

I'm happy for the women folk in my life. They is finally gettin some, and it makes for a calmer enviornment.. iffen ya ken me. Well mebbe not with Mamma H...Hell, she done got it in her head ta be a pole dancer now. What with her new found sexuality an all. I got ta find a way ta discourage her. I just can't see her up there all toothless and floppy breasted(think cue balls in sweat socks!) I'm sure I'll think up somethin. Any a you got some suggestions an such I'd appreciate it. Thats for damn true!

Now, I gotta get me over to the senior center. I'm givin a special presentation to the Silver Foxes. "Firmin up-The holiday letdown don't have to include your bosoms and whatnot"

Shew-ey, we sure done been some busy gals this last month. Louise an I has had the wanderin feet. Now, Louise likes ta take them wanderin feet ta the hot spots ta find her a side a that beefcake, sure enough she does. She'd like ta think that Thelma does the same on my wanderin alone in the wilderness, find me a spot of the beefcake and release some pressures she's done convinced are buildin up in me.

Now, Louise ain't never been married, so she ain't got tha experience of dealin with that beefcake full time like. Wears on a gal somethin fierce, the nonstop dumbassery of a fool man. Now, Thelma ain't paintin all men such, cuz I know there are some fine men out there. I just had me the terrible misfortune ta marry me a sadsack of a man, lordamighty, but he wasa huge dumbass. So when I got me shut of that mistake, I swore ta waste no more of my time on it. An I ain't. Much. Hardly ever. Some. Upon occasion. Every now an then.

I'm jus sayin. Every now an then they ain't no harm in it. No fowl, neither, unless ya are bent that way.

So, there I was on my foray inta the library wilderness. Gawdamighty, I love me some books. Drool over em. Read over there at Kim's at Counterin about the dopamine. Damn that's my dopamine. So picture ya this. Thelma ain't rough on the eyes, but I ain't nothin special. Past any prime I mighta had, an I'm a solid gal. No frills with Thelma, but a good heart an some intensity ta my emotions. I ain't got the bounce a Louise, but I ain't too bad, neither.

In the midst of all that dopamine singin through my body as I sat in that lovely library, in he walked, a little old man shorter than Thelma, gawd love him, with enough wear an tear on him ta make a gal curious what his pain had been an whether she might find a way ta ease it, ifn ya know what I am sayin. He was bent forward, narrow shoulders hunched under the weight of his books. Lord, I jumped right up and stomped on over ta him and relieved him of his burden. He smiled on up at Thelma, his dentures jus a glistenin. What a smile. Coke bottle glasses and rheumy gray eyes somewhere in there. He was a keeper. Thelma's gotta soft heart, I do, ya know I do. I looked down at what he was readin and I plumb near fell in a swoon. That man was bent over the weight of books on the Roman Empire and an Egypt. Lord he was back in time, and I pictured him with Indiana Jones's hat. Love at first sight, I tell ya. I helped him get his books turned in, and I walked his sweet droopy ass on outa that library an ta a nearby coffee shop. Talked his ears off, at least until he turned the hearin aids off, said I was explodin his heart with all my words.


Lordy, but it was a lovely week. Might havta get back ta the emperor someday soon. Lovely talk an all, ifn ya know what I mean.

Well hey now..seems like its time for me ta do a little biographyin an such. My girl Thelma, she had a powaful urge ta do some walkin, ya know have some quite time an all.Sad thing is she done left me all alone with Mama H.-who aint none to pleased with me at tha moment seein as she watched a little a my "Louise gone wild!" dvd by accident.. Boy Howdy! she may be near ninety but she still packs herself a powerful whup ass! OWWEEE an a side 'o migraine she does. She been a hootin an a hollerin all tha long day.. "Louise ya damn fool!" only it souns like "ooees oo am ool" on account a hid her teeth! My heads a ringin from all a her fussin an such. Hoo boy! I could set here a whinin an a moanin..Thelma done left me here with a mad Mama H and no Boones ta soften her steely steely blows. But that aint like me-no sir! When life hands ya lemons ya grab youself some tequila an a bit salt! Yes sir! Ima gonna set here an count my blessings! That be the Louise way a doin things.


Now ya'll know how I come ta meet my gal Thelma. She be one a tha biggest blessins in my life-thats fer true. She don care that I aint all edjucated like she be. No sir! She done looked at me oncet an said "Louise ya dont need none a them book learnins to catch you a dumbass! You be a woman a tha people. You experienced in tha ways a tha world..an thats good enough for me." I love my Thelma-takes ya for who y'are..she be a fine woman..mighty fine-raccoon an all!


I bet y'all are a ponderin just how I became such a wordly woman an such. I know I done talked ta y'all bout my bodashusnuss . Bout how there were A time when I were none to happy with tha way I was made. A time when I was a walkin aroun with my two sacks 'o shame just a layin over my heart. Not even a strong wind could stir em inta action..So I'ma gonna tell y'all bout the life changin experience that made me who I am today! A strawng lovin woman- sweet sassy an sexy! OOOEEE I am woman hear me a roar! With bosoms too big ta ignore!


I reckin I was eighteen or so, a young un jes tryin ta find my way in tha world. Searchin for a callin. I weren't none to good at a holdin down a job. Damn bosom kept gettin in my way! I tried bein one a them "nail technisions"-couldn't see past my knees ta give them pedycures, I even tried bein a walmart greeter, but those damn smiley stickers kept a gettin stuck in all tha wrong places...people all askin me if I were cold or jus happy. Seemed no matter what I tried nothin seemed ta work. One day when I was a ponderin on my misfortune, I came upon a sign hangin on tha church door. Said somethin like "Geezus loves ya tha way y'are causen he made ya thata way" Hit me like a ton a bricks it did! I figured I'd go inside an have a word with this Geezus fella..ask him what in tha hell he was a thinkin weighin me down this way! Why I was madder than a rooster with his lips on fire! I marched myself right in , lookin for this geezus fella, but only tha preacher man be settin there. So I done told him my tale a misery an such. When I was done, he looked at me an said "Why sister Louise! Geezus done blessed ya with tha gifts ya got...I'll even prove it ta ya-come on down ta tha riverside tommorra, I'll be a baptisin folks in the waters a heaven!" He then done give me this white robe ta wear..an tol me ta meet him an tha congragashun tha next day at high noon when tha sun was tha strwongest.


Figurin I had me nothin ta lose..I done showed up a wearin my robe an nothin else. Hell, I was naked as a bear without his rug! They was plenty a folks there...the preacher man was a takin em one by one inta tha river an a dunkin em down all tha time a gnashin and a wailin " you is warshed in the waters a Geezus! You is now a child 'o God! Hal lay lou ya!" Now, I was feelin a little worrisome over this...I don like ta get dunked..I have what ya might call "hair issues" I don't like gettin it wet..sides, I'd just had me one a them perms..ya know all them tight curls? I was afraid a gettin things stuck in it an such..rocks sticks fish..and whatnot..But as I was already in line, I figured I might as well try it. didn't have nothin ta lose an all..So I gets to tha preacher man...an he puts his hands on my shoulders an pushes me down with all his might! Wham! I sank way down to tha bottom..only my new perm...member that? Well it got caught on one a them big rocks an I was plum stuck!..ceptin for one thing..Thats right..My bosoms...They rose up to tha top like two shinin orbs a glory! Well, I started to lose conshusness seein as how the rest a me couldn't breathe..I had me one a them out a body experiences! I was a lookin down at my bobbin bodashusness..clear as day through the wet white robe.. tha sun a beatin down on em turnin em inta golden buoys a heaven!..I could even hear the most beeutiful soprano voice a praisin their glory! I thought tha angels were a singin..singin of the glory an power of my bosom! Come ta find out, after they revived me, that it was tha preacher man a singin..Same one that Thelma rescued me from in Vegas! My he did have a lovely voice..not much else though. Boy Howdy an a side'o vienna sawsage! You smellin what I'ma cookin? OOEE get that man a magnifyin glass he done lost his dowsin rod!


My O My I learned me a powerful lesson that day! I could either be a weighed down by my gifts or I could support em an raise em up for tha good a tha world. I left for Vegas tha next day. Bought me some proper attire and became the best damn workin gal there is! Yes sir! Voted most likely ta exceed by the chamber a commerce ten years in a row!


I met me some mighty fine folks over tha years. Some a them famous, most of em not. Some jus want a talk an others...they jus lookin for a soft place ta rest their head. I'ma thankful for all I got. I got me tha love of a fine friend, some good men ta romp with, the guidance a Mama H, Boones farm and a wonderful set a bodashuss ta ta's! I am blessed! Boy howdy an a side 'o vavOOm I am!

Now, I'ma hopin Thelma gits back here right soon. I'ma lonesome for my bud. Sides, I jus gave Mama H her teeth back...been soakin them in whiskey...ought ta keep her quite for a spell.

Well, I been ponderin on what I should write next on this here blog about my and Louise's exploits. And I been drinkin. I'll fess ta that, I reckon. But, ain't no way no how not ta if'n I'ma gonna cast back over my near sixty years on this here beautiful green earth and reflect on who I am and why I done the things I been busy doin.

Mama Hazel, bless her, cain't talk bad about her, since she's sittin right here, done woke up from her evenin nap and a jawin at me for some cantalope for her evening snack, ta go with her peach wine she done brought up from the cellar. Listen here, darlins, if'n Mama H goesta offerin ta some of her "wine" ya oughta be runnin the other damn direction. It's peach preserves she done canned some twenty years ago and done forgot about and it's all cured like and become "wine." Sure it has. Mama Hazel don't throw shit away and she'll make ya drink it right up calling it wine. Uh-huh. It's a right serious mash, I'll give ya that but it's way too chunky ta pass as wine. Add a little wild turkey to it, she says and grabs my face with her poor arthritis-eaten hand and says, I want my damn cantalope now, Thelma. Alrighty then, fine by me. Ya'll hang the hale on.

Good godamighty, that Mama Hazel smacked me with the remote when I brought the cantalope cuz I didn't bring glasses to go with the peach wine. Jus pour it over the cantalope. It ain't gonna run much, Mama, is what I say ta her. Louise saw her bring the peach wine up and ran the hale to her little trailer. Ain't gonna see her again until I give her the all clear.


Fine, then, is what I say ta that. Leave me with my mama who's hale bent on makin me "drink" this shit with her. Dozen more jars even, she says, down there awaitin. They can wait some more is what the hale I say.

Alright, I done lost me my train of thought on what I was gonna tell ya folks. Thank godamighty I wrote the damn title first. Keep a gal centered, won't it? Obviously not, I ken.

Thelma's a dumbass hunter. For sure. Started young. Had to with Mama H and dear daddy, the wanderin man. Yup. I was home alone alot, and when I wasn't hone alone, I was wanderin, too. Mostly with my daddy in them backwoods, but we'd hit the nearby towns. They ain't big, no sir, weren't then, and ain't now. Daddy'd point the dumbasses out ta me when he saw em. Told me not ta put up with any shit, he did, and then showed me how to recognize it.

It's how Thelma only married once. Now he was a dumbass. I admit it. Damn mistake, it was, when I was mighty young and caught in the fever for the Lordamighty. He was the preacher's son, that one I later on caught Louise ashaggin. Well, the preacher man was a major dumbass, one that I just missed, I admit. Daddy forgot to cover how some preachers and specially some preacherman's sons could be right dumbasses. Threw the son to the curb some ten years before I met Louise in all her glory and the first thong I ever did see. Mama Hazel insisted we keep going ta the preacher man's church, though, cuz she liked the speakin in tongues and stuff they was constantly engaged in. It weren't never boring, for sure. Every now and then, Mama Hazel would give me a wink and be up outa her seat in the pew just agoin on and on and on in nonsense syllables, raisin her hands right on up ta the heavens and shakin her ass to the beat of them syllables. It were a sight ta see. She made sure ta do it sporadically, so they couldn't never accuse her of falsifiyin that shit and she never admitted as much ta me, but I saw that wink every damn time.

Is what I'm sayin. Tween Mama H and dear daddy, that preacher man and his boy, I done had me some interestin times. And then Louise came inta my life and took it up a notch. Ain't been disappointed in her yet. She's a puredee delight ta have as my bestest friend.

So, there ya go, reasons to throw the shit outa the root cellar two seasons after ya done made it, ya hear? As soon as Mama H is snorin again, I'm gettin Louise and we are clearin that cellar out. I'm serious as hale on this one. First it was that blackberry shit that had one hale of bite to it and a kick ya ain't seen the likes of and now this peach preserves that's magically wine now.

Oh, and why I'm a dumbass hunter. What else am I gonna do? Done got a fair amount of the crazy here already covered and accounted for. I ain't told ya about my cousins yet. Just ya wait. I got hundred of em spread out over this area. Ya ain't heard nothin yet. Half of them are dumbasses and the other half's just plain dumb.

Hey y'all..I thought I'd stumble on over an add me a few lines to my biography. Seein that you is all intrested and such..I was over at the senior center today leadin my "hip replacment and the feminine misstique " seminar for the silver foxes. I had a few minutes before my teachin so I did myself a little thinkin. Here I is a writin my life stories an such, I figure I need to mention some a the people who inspired me through tha years..aside from Thelma and Mama H.

Here I am a bustin dumbasses and the like. I reckin y'all want ta know what made me such a strappin fine lady? who filled me full a all that piss, vinegar and downright bosomly charm? So I sat there a thinkin and WOOEEE! quicker than you could grab a mooses lips, I thought 'a someun! My great aunt Jujubee. Now I don't know why she was a called that..I reckin it was cause her head was so small and such., or maybe it was cause she was so full 'o colorful ideas...but never you no mind. I spect it don't matter none in tha long time. She were a fine woman, tiny head an all. Thats for true.



Great aunt Jujubee was a legind around these here parts! She ran a travelin brothel and was an Avon lady on tha side. Ding Dong ! Avons a commin! Eighteen wheels and a dozen rolls in tha hay! WOOOEEE, She knew how ta run a business! She took me on my very first trip ta Vegas. I was ten years old at the time, but I was what you would call "fully developed" so it wadn't hard ta git me into tha clubs. And it was at one 'a them clubs that I saw the man who would change my life. A Mister Tom Jones. In person!

Boy howdy and a stage full 'a underpants! I tell ya that man can sing! Why I was so fired up by his gyratin that I shot through puberty and straight into adulthood quicker than a jackrabbit on viagra! By tha time he started croonin "It's not unusual" I was sorry I was wearin my wonder woman drawers ..I didn't have no room key, so I threw the next best thing up on tha stage. Great aunt Jujubee! Why after she got over tha shock an such she started a dancin while Tom was a singin..twistin and swayin and all those sparkely lites reflectin on that tiny head 'a hers. It was a site to behold! I tell ya..it changed my life! From that day on I swore to always wear me a thong. Boy Howdy and a couple 'o sides of hiney! I sure do. Now don't that take the hair off a possums behind? I hadn't thought a that in years.

Thelma is fortified with Wild Turkey and an episode each of Magnum PI and Baretta and is ready to tell the world how I done come into it. Now, tweren't nowhere near as excitin as Louise's. And boy howdy, what a surprise it came to me to know my Mama Hazel done been having a hand in Louise's upbringing. They both can keep themselves some secrets! See here I was thinking for over the last two decades that the first Louise ever did know about this neck of the woods was when we met. Louise, god bless her pole dancing heart, has a way with words, so I'ma gonna use em again to tell our first meeting.

Louise wrote over on our other page about our first meeting: "In fact, Vegas is where we became fast friends. Thelma was there with her church group a tryin to exercise satan out of sin city..and I was tryin to excercise myself out of her preacher mans bed! . We sorta saved each other when Thelma walked into the room. Hoo boy and a pile 'o gideon bibles.! What a time we had! Yes sir we sure did! We have been the closest of friends since."

Well, now, I reckon soon as Mama Hazel gets back from her latest gambling trip with Louise, she's gonna read up on how we first met and Louise is gonna feel the cold metal of that walker for what Loiuse was doin with that preacher of ours, had him singing hallelujah in a high falsetto, ifn ya ken me? It was something to hear, is what I'm sayin.

Anyhoo, Louise came into the world aspeedin down the road, and she ain't never slowed down yet. Cain't say my comin into the world was quite so high speed, nor that I got any kin that done hard time. Ain't no way surprised to hear that Mama Hazel was a'tendin to Louise as a child and makin sure she was given some guidance. Cain't see it done much good, though, in keeping Louise on the straight and narrow. Once I found me my Louise and went on off to the crooked and parched path, I cain't say I blame her at all. Louise has fun folks! She is full of joy, gots her a big boomin laugh to go with her bodacious bosom. She is full on out a hell of a lot of fun ta be with. Cain't ask for a better friend.

Thelma's introduction to the world happened a few years before Louise's, although tain't nobody's business just how many years I done been on this here earth. It's enough for ya ta know my fine mama is 90 and Louise is less than that and I'm in the middle. All ya need to know.

My daddy, bless him, weren't the staying kind. He had a bit of wanderlust and a mighty big love of the wilderness. He'd take Mama Hazel on his trips, for sure, until I came along. Ain't no fun ta have a bellowin infant in the wilderness when you're on the hunt, so Mama Hazel ended up choosin to stay in one place while my daddy, bless him, continued his wandering through the wilderness, trappin and huntin whatever came before his weapons. He'd show up every now and then with the bounty of his hunts, and once I was older, Mama Hazel was known to venture into the wilderness after him for some fine visitin time. Been thirty years since my daddy, bless him, last came out of the wilderness.

It ought not come as any surprise, then, ta hear that Thelma was conceived on one of them wilderness journeys and then popped right out nine months later on another. Why, Mama Hazel had her 12 gauge in one hand and her other hand on my dear daddy's throat as she pushed me into the world, the three of us ahollerin, one of us, I reckon, knowing my mama, in some serious measure of fear. Mama Hazel, a 12 gauge and some serious pain of childbirth is a mighty frightening combination. Between me and Mama Hazel, my dear daddy surely needed the wilderness time. Mama Hazel is who taught me to ballbust dumbasses as a past time. She might look all innocent without her teeth and with her walker, but don't let that toothless smile fool ya. It just means Mama Hazel's aplannin on how she's gonna smack ya before you're even wise to it.

Well damn...here I am a writin my life story like I was a celebrity or somthin. Boy Howdy aint that a fine shake of a rabbits behind. My name is Louise and thats all ya gots to know. Seein that my mamma and pappy were celebrity sorts in the 50's and 60's...not the good kind either. More like the kind whos pitchure you see a hangin in tha post office...so you aint never gonna know my real last name. Louise is who I am-and if thats good enough for the folks down in stink creek, well it ought ta be good enough for you.
I was born in a jet stream trailer during a police chase. Mama and Pappy had just robbed a liquer store and the cops were hot on their tails..Boy Howdy! I'ma wonderin if thats where I get my taste for the Boones farm I loves so much! That and Baretta. I just have a thing for Robert Blake. OOOEEEE and a side 'o beefcake! That boy surely filled out a pair 'o jeans in his crime show days. Not too much now though. Sad to say 'ol Bobby Blake aint aged as well as little'ol me!
Seein as my parents spent a lot 'o time in the grey bar hotel an such..I was shipped out to various kin folk from time to time. Which is how I wound up spendin my formative years in good 'ol stink creek.
I was a wild child from the git go, always findin myself in some sorta trouble! Boy howdy and a couple a whups on the behind I did! Not too many folk could make me mind in those days..cept of course my Pappy and Mamma Hazel..Thats right Thelmas mama was an important part of my upbringin..although Thelma might not know it seein that I was from the "fun" side 'o the tracks and she was from the good side...Mamma Hazel a kept us seperate on purpose. But if they was ever a woman to mind in those days it was Mamma Hazel! Boy Howdy one look from her and you just knew you best be a watchin your step or she'd come along and whup you upside your head and make you memorize them old bible verses! OOOOEEE and a side 'o deutronomy!
I still watch my step around Mama Hazel. Iffen she ever knew what I was doin in vegas with her preacher..well Louise dodn't even want to think them thoughts! You best never tell your Mamma now Thelma ya hear?
Hoo boy..jus thinkin them thoughts has got me all shook up. I think I'll leave y'all now. I need to get me some fortitude in the form of Boones farm! Why yes I do...until next time..Hey if y'all got somethin ya wanta know about me and Thelma, you just leave youself a comment at the bottom y'hear?

Thelma and Louise, best buds for decades now, figure ya'll will be wantin' to know how we got started on our dumbass-kicking lives. So, we'll be shedding some light on this right here. Seems like folks are thinking we make fun of people by the way we talk. They be dumbasses, natch. We'll be tellin' our life stories here as we get tired of huntin dumbasses. Ya'll get ready, cuz Thelma and Louise are too hot to handle and larger than life! Mama Hazel's story's jus' as good, but she ain't got time to be tellin' it since she's busy with her internet gamblin and bingo playin' and general dumbass-kickin', so Thelma will tell her mama's story, too, as I can gets her to slow down some. May have to hide her walker like Louise hid my keys. And hold back her chew. That'll make her talk and prove she do a damn fine sight o' cussin and general vulgarities when it suits her. She may be 90, but she's full o' piss an' vinegar, that's for sure. Is what I'm sayin'.