Thelma is fortified with Wild Turkey and an episode each of Magnum PI and Baretta and is ready to tell the world how I done come into it. Now, tweren't nowhere near as excitin as Louise's. And boy howdy, what a surprise it came to me to know my Mama Hazel done been having a hand in Louise's upbringing. They both can keep themselves some secrets! See here I was thinking for over the last two decades that the first Louise ever did know about this neck of the woods was when we met. Louise, god bless her pole dancing heart, has a way with words, so I'ma gonna use em again to tell our first meeting.

Louise wrote over on our other page about our first meeting: "In fact, Vegas is where we became fast friends. Thelma was there with her church group a tryin to exercise satan out of sin city..and I was tryin to excercise myself out of her preacher mans bed! . We sorta saved each other when Thelma walked into the room. Hoo boy and a pile 'o gideon bibles.! What a time we had! Yes sir we sure did! We have been the closest of friends since."

Well, now, I reckon soon as Mama Hazel gets back from her latest gambling trip with Louise, she's gonna read up on how we first met and Louise is gonna feel the cold metal of that walker for what Loiuse was doin with that preacher of ours, had him singing hallelujah in a high falsetto, ifn ya ken me? It was something to hear, is what I'm sayin.

Anyhoo, Louise came into the world aspeedin down the road, and she ain't never slowed down yet. Cain't say my comin into the world was quite so high speed, nor that I got any kin that done hard time. Ain't no way surprised to hear that Mama Hazel was a'tendin to Louise as a child and makin sure she was given some guidance. Cain't see it done much good, though, in keeping Louise on the straight and narrow. Once I found me my Louise and went on off to the crooked and parched path, I cain't say I blame her at all. Louise has fun folks! She is full of joy, gots her a big boomin laugh to go with her bodacious bosom. She is full on out a hell of a lot of fun ta be with. Cain't ask for a better friend.

Thelma's introduction to the world happened a few years before Louise's, although tain't nobody's business just how many years I done been on this here earth. It's enough for ya ta know my fine mama is 90 and Louise is less than that and I'm in the middle. All ya need to know.

My daddy, bless him, weren't the staying kind. He had a bit of wanderlust and a mighty big love of the wilderness. He'd take Mama Hazel on his trips, for sure, until I came along. Ain't no fun ta have a bellowin infant in the wilderness when you're on the hunt, so Mama Hazel ended up choosin to stay in one place while my daddy, bless him, continued his wandering through the wilderness, trappin and huntin whatever came before his weapons. He'd show up every now and then with the bounty of his hunts, and once I was older, Mama Hazel was known to venture into the wilderness after him for some fine visitin time. Been thirty years since my daddy, bless him, last came out of the wilderness.

It ought not come as any surprise, then, ta hear that Thelma was conceived on one of them wilderness journeys and then popped right out nine months later on another. Why, Mama Hazel had her 12 gauge in one hand and her other hand on my dear daddy's throat as she pushed me into the world, the three of us ahollerin, one of us, I reckon, knowing my mama, in some serious measure of fear. Mama Hazel, a 12 gauge and some serious pain of childbirth is a mighty frightening combination. Between me and Mama Hazel, my dear daddy surely needed the wilderness time. Mama Hazel is who taught me to ballbust dumbasses as a past time. She might look all innocent without her teeth and with her walker, but don't let that toothless smile fool ya. It just means Mama Hazel's aplannin on how she's gonna smack ya before you're even wise to it.