Countin my blessins an such..
Well hey now..seems like its time for me ta do a little biographyin an such. My girl Thelma, she had a powaful urge ta do some walkin, ya know have some quite time an all.Sad thing is she done left me all alone with Mama H.-who aint none to pleased with me at tha moment seein as she watched a little a my "Louise gone wild!" dvd by accident.. Boy Howdy! she may be near ninety but she still packs herself a powerful whup ass! OWWEEE an a side 'o migraine she does. She been a hootin an a hollerin all tha long day.. "Louise ya damn fool!" only it souns like "ooees oo am ool" on account a hid her teeth! My heads a ringin from all a her fussin an such. Hoo boy! I could set here a whinin an a moanin..Thelma done left me here with a mad Mama H and no Boones ta soften her steely steely blows. But that aint like me-no sir! When life hands ya lemons ya grab youself some tequila an a bit salt! Yes sir! Ima gonna set here an count my blessings! That be the Louise way a doin things.
Now ya'll know how I come ta meet my gal Thelma. She be one a tha biggest blessins in my life-thats fer true. She don care that I aint all edjucated like she be. No sir! She done looked at me oncet an said "Louise ya dont need none a them book learnins to catch you a dumbass! You be a woman a tha people. You experienced in tha ways a tha world..an thats good enough for me." I love my Thelma-takes ya for who y'are..she be a fine woman..mighty fine-raccoon an all!
I bet y'all are a ponderin just how I became such a wordly woman an such. I know I done talked ta y'all bout my bodashusnuss . Bout how there were A time when I were none to happy with tha way I was made. A time when I was a walkin aroun with my two sacks 'o shame just a layin over my heart. Not even a strong wind could stir em inta action..So I'ma gonna tell y'all bout the life changin experience that made me who I am today! A strawng lovin woman- sweet sassy an sexy! OOOEEE I am woman hear me a roar! With bosoms too big ta ignore!
I reckin I was eighteen or so, a young un jes tryin ta find my way in tha world. Searchin for a callin. I weren't none to good at a holdin down a job. Damn bosom kept gettin in my way! I tried bein one a them "nail technisions"-couldn't see past my knees ta give them pedycures, I even tried bein a walmart greeter, but those damn smiley stickers kept a gettin stuck in all tha wrong places...people all askin me if I were cold or jus happy. Seemed no matter what I tried nothin seemed ta work. One day when I was a ponderin on my misfortune, I came upon a sign hangin on tha church door. Said somethin like "Geezus loves ya tha way y'are causen he made ya thata way" Hit me like a ton a bricks it did! I figured I'd go inside an have a word with this Geezus fella..ask him what in tha hell he was a thinkin weighin me down this way! Why I was madder than a rooster with his lips on fire! I marched myself right in , lookin for this geezus fella, but only tha preacher man be settin there. So I done told him my tale a misery an such. When I was done, he looked at me an said "Why sister Louise! Geezus done blessed ya with tha gifts ya got...I'll even prove it ta ya-come on down ta tha riverside tommorra, I'll be a baptisin folks in the waters a heaven!" He then done give me this white robe ta wear..an tol me ta meet him an tha congragashun tha next day at high noon when tha sun was tha strwongest.
Figurin I had me nothin ta lose..I done showed up a wearin my robe an nothin else. Hell, I was naked as a bear without his rug! They was plenty a folks there...the preacher man was a takin em one by one inta tha river an a dunkin em down all tha time a gnashin and a wailin " you is warshed in the waters a Geezus! You is now a child 'o God! Hal lay lou ya!" Now, I was feelin a little worrisome over this...I don like ta get dunked..I have what ya might call "hair issues" I don't like gettin it wet..sides, I'd just had me one a them perms..ya know all them tight curls? I was afraid a gettin things stuck in it an such..rocks sticks fish..and whatnot..But as I was already in line, I figured I might as well try it. didn't have nothin ta lose an all..So I gets to tha preacher man...an he puts his hands on my shoulders an pushes me down with all his might! Wham! I sank way down to tha bottom..only my new perm...member that? Well it got caught on one a them big rocks an I was plum stuck!..ceptin for one thing..Thats right..My bosoms...They rose up to tha top like two shinin orbs a glory! Well, I started to lose conshusness seein as how the rest a me couldn't breathe..I had me one a them out a body experiences! I was a lookin down at my bobbin bodashusness..clear as day through the wet white robe.. tha sun a beatin down on em turnin em inta golden buoys a heaven!..I could even hear the most beeutiful soprano voice a praisin their glory! I thought tha angels were a singin..singin of the glory an power of my bosom! Come ta find out, after they revived me, that it was tha preacher man a singin..Same one that Thelma rescued me from in Vegas! My he did have a lovely voice..not much else though. Boy Howdy an a side'o vienna sawsage! You smellin what I'ma cookin? OOEE get that man a magnifyin glass he done lost his dowsin rod!
My O My I learned me a powerful lesson that day! I could either be a weighed down by my gifts or I could support em an raise em up for tha good a tha world. I left for Vegas tha next day. Bought me some proper attire and became the best damn workin gal there is! Yes sir! Voted most likely ta exceed by the chamber a commerce ten years in a row!
I met me some mighty fine folks over tha years. Some a them famous, most of em not. Some jus want a talk an others...they jus lookin for a soft place ta rest their head. I'ma thankful for all I got. I got me tha love of a fine friend, some good men ta romp with, the guidance a Mama H, Boones farm and a wonderful set a bodashuss ta ta's! I am blessed! Boy howdy an a side 'o vavOOm I am!
Now, I'ma hopin Thelma gits back here right soon. I'ma lonesome for my bud. Sides, I jus gave Mama H her teeth back...been soakin them in whiskey...ought ta keep her quite for a spell.
Now ya'll know how I come ta meet my gal Thelma. She be one a tha biggest blessins in my life-thats fer true. She don care that I aint all edjucated like she be. No sir! She done looked at me oncet an said "Louise ya dont need none a them book learnins to catch you a dumbass! You be a woman a tha people. You experienced in tha ways a tha world..an thats good enough for me." I love my Thelma-takes ya for who y'are..she be a fine woman..mighty fine-raccoon an all!
I bet y'all are a ponderin just how I became such a wordly woman an such. I know I done talked ta y'all bout my bodashusnuss . Bout how there were A time when I were none to happy with tha way I was made. A time when I was a walkin aroun with my two sacks 'o shame just a layin over my heart. Not even a strong wind could stir em inta action..So I'ma gonna tell y'all bout the life changin experience that made me who I am today! A strawng lovin woman- sweet sassy an sexy! OOOEEE I am woman hear me a roar! With bosoms too big ta ignore!
I reckin I was eighteen or so, a young un jes tryin ta find my way in tha world. Searchin for a callin. I weren't none to good at a holdin down a job. Damn bosom kept gettin in my way! I tried bein one a them "nail technisions"-couldn't see past my knees ta give them pedycures, I even tried bein a walmart greeter, but those damn smiley stickers kept a gettin stuck in all tha wrong places...people all askin me if I were cold or jus happy. Seemed no matter what I tried nothin seemed ta work. One day when I was a ponderin on my misfortune, I came upon a sign hangin on tha church door. Said somethin like "Geezus loves ya tha way y'are causen he made ya thata way" Hit me like a ton a bricks it did! I figured I'd go inside an have a word with this Geezus fella..ask him what in tha hell he was a thinkin weighin me down this way! Why I was madder than a rooster with his lips on fire! I marched myself right in , lookin for this geezus fella, but only tha preacher man be settin there. So I done told him my tale a misery an such. When I was done, he looked at me an said "Why sister Louise! Geezus done blessed ya with tha gifts ya got...I'll even prove it ta ya-come on down ta tha riverside tommorra, I'll be a baptisin folks in the waters a heaven!" He then done give me this white robe ta wear..an tol me ta meet him an tha congragashun tha next day at high noon when tha sun was tha strwongest.
Figurin I had me nothin ta lose..I done showed up a wearin my robe an nothin else. Hell, I was naked as a bear without his rug! They was plenty a folks there...the preacher man was a takin em one by one inta tha river an a dunkin em down all tha time a gnashin and a wailin " you is warshed in the waters a Geezus! You is now a child 'o God! Hal lay lou ya!" Now, I was feelin a little worrisome over this...I don like ta get dunked..I have what ya might call "hair issues" I don't like gettin it wet..sides, I'd just had me one a them perms..ya know all them tight curls? I was afraid a gettin things stuck in it an such..rocks sticks fish..and whatnot..But as I was already in line, I figured I might as well try it. didn't have nothin ta lose an all..So I gets to tha preacher man...an he puts his hands on my shoulders an pushes me down with all his might! Wham! I sank way down to tha bottom..only my new perm...member that? Well it got caught on one a them big rocks an I was plum stuck!..ceptin for one thing..Thats right..My bosoms...They rose up to tha top like two shinin orbs a glory! Well, I started to lose conshusness seein as how the rest a me couldn't breathe..I had me one a them out a body experiences! I was a lookin down at my bobbin bodashusness..clear as day through the wet white robe.. tha sun a beatin down on em turnin em inta golden buoys a heaven!..I could even hear the most beeutiful soprano voice a praisin their glory! I thought tha angels were a singin..singin of the glory an power of my bosom! Come ta find out, after they revived me, that it was tha preacher man a singin..Same one that Thelma rescued me from in Vegas! My he did have a lovely voice..not much else though. Boy Howdy an a side'o vienna sawsage! You smellin what I'ma cookin? OOEE get that man a magnifyin glass he done lost his dowsin rod!
My O My I learned me a powerful lesson that day! I could either be a weighed down by my gifts or I could support em an raise em up for tha good a tha world. I left for Vegas tha next day. Bought me some proper attire and became the best damn workin gal there is! Yes sir! Voted most likely ta exceed by the chamber a commerce ten years in a row!
I met me some mighty fine folks over tha years. Some a them famous, most of em not. Some jus want a talk an others...they jus lookin for a soft place ta rest their head. I'ma thankful for all I got. I got me tha love of a fine friend, some good men ta romp with, the guidance a Mama H, Boones farm and a wonderful set a bodashuss ta ta's! I am blessed! Boy howdy an a side 'o vavOOm I am!
Now, I'ma hopin Thelma gits back here right soon. I'ma lonesome for my bud. Sides, I jus gave Mama H her teeth back...been soakin them in whiskey...ought ta keep her quite for a spell.
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6 comments:
Louise, darlin, you is a regular riot. I felt ya hollerin fer me to return and have pity on ya. So, I came on back for a spell. It'll be short break, though, as it weren't jus you amissin me that made me come on back. Got as few hours out and realized I'd done left the Wild turkey and my pipe behind.
So, here Thelma is, back from a short trip out, stockin up on supplies, readin the stories of my best bud Louise while Mama H snores all gentle like here in her recliner.
Alrighty then, I reckon I gots nothin else to weigh me down here for the moment. Louise done settled inta watch her dear Bobby all over again and I'ma gonna take it as my sign ta disappear.
Ya think of Thelma as I venture inta the wilderness ta ease my restless bones. Be back for ya know it.
Oh my gosh, that was a riot. But then again, so are nearly all of your blog posts!
I'll be a missin ya Thelma-thats for damn true! But I understand an all...sometimes a gal just needs ta be with herself an all. It's what all Vegas is ta me. I'll take good care a mamma H..ya know it.
@ SBWG-thank ya darlin..I get much joy from a writin and from makin people laugh...I figure iffen ya can make em laugh..ya done some good for tha world!
Now that was a coincidence, I was just writing the other day about an out of body experience I had about 40 years ago. Watch for it on T&K.
Just drinking Cherry Coke tonight, my usual drink. I have, at times, added some cherry brandy to it, and made what I call cheery cherry Coke. ;-)
Cheery cherry coke! Now I like tha sound a that! I'll be a lookin for yer story Clay-thats for true. Maybe tha next time I biographize an such I'll talk about how I was intrduced to tha boones! Yee Ha! anothe life changin E vent.
Louise, you be thinking bout them limes, not lemons. For lemons, you grab some orange liqueur, some brandy, and THEN the salt. Sidecars, anyone? Tequila goes better with lime anyway, though now I've gotten in the mood for a few margaritas just by reading this!
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